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[cookinglikeamotherfucker]

When he dropped out of a vent without the slightest sound preceding him, even a honk, it was as if a shadow had suddenly been given three-dimensional shape. His paint was smudged beyond recognition, there was blood under his claws, and he wobbled just slightly in place, as if he might have been sleepwalking. His eyes, long since faded to bloody orange, were glazed over and dull. Sobriety had done him no good at all, save for giving him a purpose in life. But even then, he was very likely the only one that would see it that way.

Wandering the halls of the meteor after the bloodbath was all he could really bring himself to do when his limbs started growing too long and his shoulders too wide to be able to fit easily through the smaller vents. He occasionally stopped by the alchemiter to re-up his dwindling supply of snack food, keeping Terezi good and drunk on soda taking a back seat in his priorities lately, but other than that, he never showed his face anywhere besides the basement levels and deserted corridors. It was only right, after what he had done in service to the only cause he'd ever truly had in his lifetime, and was likely to ever have.

Comments

[corruptinggusion]

Even though he hadn't heard Gamzee's approach, Karkat had been more attuned to the small visual cues that someone was around. With Strider and Gamzee, both were able to creep up soundlessly on him and Karkat had learned faster rather than slower to be more aware of his surroundings. So even though he was settled into a book for the moment, just to pass the time, Karkat noticed the shadowy shape of his ex-moirail wander through the hall from the open port to his room.

He looked up and set the book aside, clearing his throat conspicuously. "You just gonna go past without so much as a hello this time, too?" He asked, sounding more irritated than he really was.

[cookinglikeamotherfucker]

The temptation was there to simply ignore Karkat, too. After all, that was what the little fucker deserved, wasn't it? After all the times that he'd ignored the needs of the highblood. Gamzee stopped out in the hall though just past the door, staying there just on the edge of where Karkat could still see him.

"That's real fuckin' funny, you wantin' to talk at me now," he muttered. If it hadn't been for the quiet of the meteor, it might not have even been audible.

[corruptinggusion]

"Funny thing about communication, jackass: it only works if at least two people are involved. Are you really still blaming me for ignoring you when it's you who decided to cloister yourself off like some fucking pariah? I'm here. I've always been here, Gamzee. I've told you, You're welcome to be here too, even if you don't think you are." He scowled and crossed his arms, pouting angrily. Gamzee probably still assumed they were going to judge him for what he did. It was terrible, sure, but Karkat knew Gamzee well enough to know the asshole had inner demons. And the ones that were left were the least judgmental of everyone.

Basically, Karkat summed up for himself as he decided to leave his seat and start approaching Gamzee, the clown was being a class A bag of ass.

[cookinglikeamotherfucker]

"Man, only reason you wanna get all talkin' at me now's cuz I'm a motherfuckin' threat. Didn't give no shit about me when I wasn't hurtin' nobody. Now that I'm a liability, you think you gotta be responsible for me? Ninja please."

Gamzee was ready to move off down the hall, go on his way and crawl back into hiding, until he heard Karkat moving toward him. He gritted his teeth and turned around, matching Karkat's glare. He only held it a moment before looking down at the ground, his arms coming to cross over his chest. "Fuckin' pathetic, whole motherfuckin' thing..."

[corruptinggusion]

"That's bullshit, Gamzee. I had to look after everyone. Just because I couldn't pay full attention to you doesn't mean I didn't care. Or that just because I don't feel like looking around this entire meteor for your lair that you've holed yourself up in doesn't mean I don't constantly fucking worry about you. I don't even mean in a pale way, either. Just out of common fucking decency." He stopped right in front of Gamzee and put his hands on his hips, looking up at the taller troll, not intimidated by the other's size, or who he was. He wasn't afraid.

"What, being stuck with a bunch of losers, including a fucking vent dwelling dick who can't even come down to talk to people because he's either too caught up in the belief that he's not going to be accepted, or he's too under the impression he's too good for us to bother? Yeah, I agree. But you know what? At least I fucking try to make the best of it. All you've been doing, so far as I can tell, is stewing in your own misery, fucking with Terezi, and getting new scratches and scars. Jeez, look at you, you're bleeding right now." He let out a long-suffering sigh and put his hand up to grab Gamzee by the wrist. "You're going to let me at least disinfect this one. Humor me. That's what clowns do, Right?"

[cookinglikeamotherfucker]

Gamzee ripped his arm away and nearly raised a hand to slap Karkat for even thinking of touching him how dare this scumblooded piece of shit even DARE TO THINK-

"See, you ain't gettin' me, cuz. You thinkin' you know me, you know what the fuckin's all up in my pan, you ain't even listenin' to shit I'm tellin' you. Shouldn'a let you play pale with me. You's just as flip-floppy as Solbro. Hell of a lot more selfish though." He started toward Karkat, backing him back into the room as he lowered his voice. There was no use in drawing the attention of the rainbow drinker or either of the humans. "Fuckin' loved you like you mighta been my own motherfuckin' blood, before this shit ever motherfuckin' went down, but you went way outta your motherfuckin' way to be all tearin' me down. Thing is? Everyone did it. And doin' how I did, I thought that was all I Was motherfuckin' good for. Now it's all up n' motherfuckin ingrained. That ain't shit you can just smooth over with a quick shooshpap. Not no more. Not when I got my think on real motherfuckin' hard.

"I don't want your fuckin' acceptance. I ain't ever had your motherfuckin' acceptance. Now, I just want all you motherfuckers to leave me right the mother fuck ALONE."

[corruptinggusion]

"Man, fuck you," Karkat yelled, glaring up at Gamzee. How dare he even think for a second that he judged him in a poor way. The asshole had shit backwards, and here he was acting holier than thou? Fuck that, and everything that came with it. "I don't even fucking know where you get any of your fucking ideas about how I felt or feel about you. You're one of my best friends, you always have been. But look at you. Look at what you've become. You can't blame anybody but yourself for how you perceive yourself. I've never once underestimated you. Sure, we all thought what you were capable of was some sort of fluke because before then, you were pretty easygoing, but I know you're capable. You fucking had to be to live so close to the water, so close to all those fucking zombies."

He pinched the bridge of his nose and huffed. "I'm not going to lie to you, I don't think I ever want to be pale with you, but I do consider you my friend. I don't want to leave you alone. I want to make sure you're safe. That you're doing okay. I want you to stop acting like I've fucked you over, because you know what? I haven't. I've done everything I can for you, and you repay me by being a gigantic fucking jackpail. So no, I'm not gonna shooshpap you, Gamzee. I'm gonna fucking set you right, assuming you can get it through your thick idiot skull that I'm trying to help."

[cookinglikeamotherfucker]

"Don't know where the fuck you gettin' all that. I can pull up logs upon motherfuckin' logs'a you tellin' me I'm not gonna amount to shit. You n' everyone else. You was always too motherfuckin' busy, I wanted to get my jaw on with you, lay down some real motherfuckin' feelings jams with you, but you always got all brushin' me off. So fine, you didn't wanna have shit to do with me. I accepted that, but now here you are tellin' me how I oughta be conductin' myself? That's fuckin' hilarious bro, maybe you shoulda been indigo, save the mutant candy shit for me. Let you be the one with the screamin' in his pan that he ain't did hisself. Let you be the motherfucker ain't nobody ever wanted to give the time of motherfuckin' day. Mighta been happier that way. Hell man, even one motherfuckin' day a happiness woulda done you some motherfuckin' good but all I seen since the day we motherfuckin' met was this angry little fucker that had the whole fuckin' world out to get 'im but he wasn't lettin' that stop him from doin' him. I admired you for that, bro, I really did. Coulda taken on the whole motherfuckin' world, but instead you put that energy into makin' sure I knew I was a fuckin' waste'a potential and space. Well guess what. I'm all motherfuckin' doin' things with myself, and you're tryin' to spin to me like you actually gave a fuck about me this whole time? When the only mother fucking time you ever did shit was when it only benefited you an' those shits that looked down on me just as MOTHER FUCKING HARD? FUCK YOU, AND FUCK THAT, YOU IGNORANT MOTHER FUCK."

He shoved Karkat at that, hard by the shoulders to back him up a few feet.

"Don't you even fuckin' play like you're the victim here, motherfucker. I ain't even gonna sit around n' hear it. I got shit to do for some righteous motherfuckers actually gives a shit about me."

[corruptinggusion]

He was growling low under his throat about halfway through Gamzee's tirade, and with being pushed back and stumbling backwards he let it out with a louder growl and he pushed himself forward again, raising up a hand to backhand Gamzee, harder than he'd ever tried to hit anyone but Dave during spars. "Shut up! Shut up, you fucking jackass! You can't dictate how I feel, or how I've felt to me! I know how I feel, and I know how I've felt!" He stepped back and glared at Gamzee, readying himself for a fight, "It's not about your fucking snapped pan problems, Gamzee, it's not about what your fucking problems are at all! It's about you refusing to accept help when it's given to you, and refusing to accept the fact that sometimes I've got shit to do that was more pressing than you spending five minutes trying to talk to me and then spacing the fuck out like you ALWAYS DID. FOR HOURS. Gamzee, you are the biggest liar I've ever fucking known, and that's saying a whole goddamn lot, given the fact that I know people like Vriska and Terezi who will lie to get their ways. YOU, though? You lie through your teeth to yourself. That takes talent," He bitterly chuckled, and cricked his neck.

"I'm done. I'm done fucking around with you. You fucking think about this, think about that sting. I'm not going to hold back from you. Good or bad. If you want so badly to dwell on the past and stew in it? Fine. But accept the fucking present. Accept the fact that right fucking now I'm here. And I'm not letting you get out of this room without talking civilly. Which apparently is something beyond your scope of ability now, since you wanted to try to just hide behind your stupid fucking chucklevoodoo bullshit."

[cookinglikeamotherfucker]

Gamzee froze, even stopped breathing when Karkat struck him. He stood there and listened to Karkat's ranting right back at him. Karkat always was better at being loud than he was but now he wasn't just going to be passive at the guy. He was too clear-headed for that.

Before even he realized what was happening, his hand was fisted in Karkat's sweater and he was hefting the shorter troll up and slamming his back into the nearest wall. A trickle of blood ran from his mouth, and very carefully and deliberately he opened up and felt around his jaw until he found the tooth that Karkat had knocked loose, pulling it free with a slight wince. He looked down at the busted root, then back at Karkat as he tossed the fang over his shoulder.

"So I'm the one lyin' to myself, huh? I'm fuckin' loved, I'm the one people wanna take care of. I'm the one all y'all just wanna give all them motherfuckin' warm fuzzy hugs. Is that what I'm supposed to be gettin' outta this?" He paused and spat a vibrant purple wad to the side. He looked back at Karkat again and licked his lips. "Ok, so maybe I don't know how you fuckin' feel. Cause you never sat the fuck down and talked with me like I asked you, umpteen motherfuckin' times. Only one that ever fuckin' did's dead n' bein' jerked around by little miss spiderbitch. Did it ever, even just once, occur to you that maybe I just didn't wanna fuckin be alone? Even if I wasn't sayin' shit, I woulda liked havin' someone there that actually fuckin' wanted to sit with me. You ever heard'a that shit, actions speakin' louder than words? Well you? You's all motherfuckin' words. And I'm tired of it, my ears all up n' motherfuckin' ringin'. You know what I woulda liked? Just once? For you to sit down, shut up n' fuckin' spend a little time with me like you did every other one'a these motherfuckers.

"Y'know, for a best friend, you really don't seem to get what comes with the territory. I would'a been happy, woulda been motherfuckin' ecstatic, if you just spent a little time around me without gettin' frustrated an' stormin' off n' talkin' to one'a the others about how fuckin' useless you been thinkin' I was.

"Like I said, you only started doin' this right here, what you're doin' right now, because I actually became a fucking threat. And you can't handle that I don't fucking need you anymore."

Gamzee dropped him after that, looking down at Karkat with his hands down at his sides. He opened and rubbed his jaw, shaking his head.

"Good luck with Strider, maybe you can actually sit n' jam with him without gettin' pissy."

[corruptinggusion]

Karkat glared daggers at Gamzee but he listened, mentally cringing at the sight of the other's blood, but still internalizing what the other said. Then, once he was settled down, he reached over, fisting his hand into the front of Gamzee's shirt in turn, shoving him down in a move that Dave had taught him, and putting his knee into the other's sternum.

"Listen back, asshole. I'm gonna say this really fucking slow so you can actually process it. I'm not threatened by you. I don't see you in that way. I know what you're capable of, and yeah, I'm intimidated by that, but I'm not going to shrink away from you. You can use force, you can glare and growl and do whatever the fuck you want to pretend like you've got something over me, but y'know what? You don't. I'm not saying I'm better than you, but I sure as hell am not going to let you push me around like you're better than me. I'm scum and I know it. I've lived every fucking day of my life knowing it. You don't have to tell me, because I know. But I'm at least trying to open up a fucking discourse with you, because I can. Because, believe it or fucking not, Gamzee, I care about your stupid, delusional self."

He expected Gamzee to try something like grab for his throat and he was ready for that, ready to grab the other's hands and pin them, just like he had him pinned by his chest, the weight of his other leg down against Gamzee's legs so they couldn't swing up and grab him. Bendy fucker that he was, he was probably capable of that, too.

"So sit with me, and talk. You want that? I'm here for that. Don't act like just because I have other friends, I don't care about you, too. And don't treat me being pissy like it's fucking personal. So what, I'm pissy. You're fucking goofy as hell, but that doesn't stop you from actually being pleasant to be around when you're not a big fucking delusional DOLT about shit."

[cookinglikeamotherfucker]

"Too little, too late," Gamzee muttered, his lips curling back away from his teeth, stained with his blood. He just laid there under Karkat. He was done arguing with the thick-headed little asshole. He wasn't listening to anything but what he wanted to hear. There was no point in stopping to listen in the first place. "I wanted to be your friend then, but now, ain't no fuckin' savin' me or whatever you're tryin'a do here. Give it up, go back to the people you actually fuckin' cared about the whole goddamn time. I don't fuckin' care no more."

[corruptinggusion]

"That's bullshit. I'm not trying to save you, Gamzee. I'm trying to get through to you." Karkat stood up after a moment, and stepped back, then settled back down into a pile of blankets he'd meticulously arranged into a chair configuration.

"I miss you. We all do. I miss you a lot, and you're a dick for trying to see it as anything but that." He folded his hands and then rubbed his mouth with them, before rubbing his eyes and shaking his head.

"I fucking hate this, you know. I hate that you think I hate you. I hate that you think I've never cared about you. You know all those times you said I blew you off? Do you know how guilty I felt about them? How much I wanted to be there for everyone at once? Shit, Gamzee, I wish I could have. I just didn't have time for everyone, and it blew up in my face. And sure, fine, you can hate me for that. But don't act so supremely mighty about it, either, because you need to cop to the fact that you weren't the best fucking friend there was, either."

[cookinglikeamotherfucker]

Gamzee stayed there on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. He was done talking about this, he just wanted to go away again. He didn't want Karkat to have to deal with this, he wanted to go ahead and finish the one thing he'd ever felt was his purpose in life.

"Fuckin' tired of all of this, man. Tired'a you bein' all motherfuckin' self-righteous, tired'a Serkets all motherfuckin' whisperin' in my pan tellin' me shit, tired...just fuckin' tired'a meanin' nothin' to nobody. You say you was my friend the whole fuckin' time, but you was tryin'a be pale with the whole fuckin' 'verse and there ain't no room for me in that. Ain't no room for me in your little fuckin' world. You tryin' now's just because I up n' made some fuckin' holes in your roster there. You wouldn't even be talkin' at me if the rest of 'em was still around. 'WHERE THE FUCK IS THE CLOWN?' you'd be sayin', 'HE BETTER NOT BE GETTING SODA OR SOME SHIT ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. HE'S SUCH A FUCKING PAIN, THE WORST FUCKING FRIEND.' And they'd laugh and agree, 'cause that's all that was up to all'a you. Wa'n't nothin' happenin' in my pan. Only one ever actually took an interest in learnin' anything different's Eridan, sad as that fuckin' is. He knew but he was too fuckin' preoccupied. And you? You was too busy worryin' over every motherfucker to sit down and listen to me those few times I really fuckin' needed you. So I'm tired. Tired'a makin' fake friends, tired'a bein' told I don't know what's what. Maybe I wasn't the best fuckin' friend, but you know what? I ain't never had nobody took the time to show me how to do it right."

He rolled over and pushed himself back upright, almost seeming to creak as he did. He bent briefly to pick his tooth up off the floor, turning it over in his fingers then simply tossing it again. He was headed toward a vent near the ceiling, ready to crawl right back into hiding. It had been a mistake to come out and try and stretch his legs in peace.

[corruptinggusion]

"So tell me." Karkat said, sighing heavily. "I know I was a shitty friend. But it was really hard to get to know you when you weren't sober. You'd go off on some fucking tangent and I didn't know what to do with that, or halfway through you explaining anything to me, you'd space out and I'd get pulled away by something else. I just. Want to know, now. Ok? Is that a crime? That I actually want to know you? I'm not, nor have I ever intended to be fake about this. And I never said you were the worst friend. You're just kind of a dumbass. Everyone is." He was still scowling, but it had lessened somewhat, especially when Gamzee started towards a vent.

"And don't use that vent. I don't know what the fuck is so wrong with using the hallways, but you're not gonna get jumped for doing it. Besides, something is really rank up there, sometimes when the air kicks on, it smells like fucking nasty foot fungus or something."

[cookinglikeamotherfucker]

"The fuck should I even bother listenin' to you anyhow? It goes both ways." Gamzee just sneered at him, reaching up and popping the grate off, then holding it when Karkat told him to stop. "Come the fuck on, man. You think I don't know my own fuckin' vents? Don't bother me none."

[corruptinggusion]

"Bothers the hell out of me," Karkat sighed, watching Gamzee pop off the grate. "Look, just... Even if you don't want anything to do with me, don't be a fucking prick and disappear. It's still nice to see you. And... even if I did say shit like that, like you being the worst friend or whatever, I say that about everybody. Don't take it to fucking heart."

He stood up again and his brow furrowed.

"Do you have enough supplies to patch yourself up?"

[cookinglikeamotherfucker]

"Never once said it about any'a the other motherfuckers. Got listenin' to the gossip around, ain't nobody you been that cold about, 'cept Egbert and you always had your black on for him anyways." Gamzee shrugged and held the grate in one hand, holding onto the edge of the vent with the other with his foot propped against the wall. He looked back at Karkat with about as deadpan an expression as he could possibly muster, then just snorted. "I'm just fine on my own like I always motherfuckin' was. Go worry about your human."